When you think about the holidays, what image comes to mind? Sitting around a holiday table with friends and family? Spending time with loved ones? Watching some holiday movies, sipping hot cocoa, and all the warm holiday fuzzies? 

Or is your reality more like that of a lot of Americans, especially this 2023 holiday season: uncomfortable or downright hostile conversations with members of your family who feel VERY differently about you on polarizing topics, which could include politics, social justice, the economy, democracy, genocide, and so much more? 

Most importantly, what are we supposed to do about this? Are we supposed to, as the New York Times suggest in their “How to Avoid Awkward Conversations” piece in mid-November, first try and “stifle those conversations”? That doesn’t seem very realistic, because let’s face it, your racist uncle is going to say what he wants to say, regardless of how many times you try to steer him towards “safe” topics.

Here at the podcast, we don’t think people want to avoid having uncomfortable conversations - they just don’t know HOW to have them. More than anything, people want practical tips. 

Because let’s face it - we are in an extremely dark period both as a country and on a global level, we have what may be the most contentious election in our lifetime next year (I know, we said this in 2020 - we stand corrected), and we’re still going to be gathering with people over the next year. We think these conversations will only ramp up in frequency, tone, and seriousness going forward.

So in this episode, we’re going to be sharing tons of tools that you need to have those uncomfortable conversations with family, with friends, and even yourself now through 2024. Please share your best tips with us, as well!

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If you heard our last episode on the myths surrounding Black-on-Asian crime, you heard that narratives pitting one historically marginalized community against another is a tactic sometimes used to distract us from the real enemy that we all should be focused on (hint: it’s white supremacy). It helps when we deconstruct the facts and look at real studies to dispel those myths – and helps, even more, when we get the opportunity to listen to stories of people who live the Black and Asian experience as a multiracial American, when we hear their heart-centered experiences from start to end. 

That’s why we are so excited to share our conversation with Ryan Alexander Holmes, who’s not only an amazing actor (and king of hilarious reels on Instagram), but also someone who has thought deeply about race, identity, trauma, healing, and so much more. We believe that there’s something in this conversation for EVERYONE, regardless of how you identify, as it focuses on humanity first above all else.

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You know the viral videos - the ones showing Black people, usually men, attacking unsuspecting Asian folks, usually elderly Asians. These are atrocious, awful incidents of course.  We don’t want anybody to be harmed.  AND, since we can hold two thoughts in our heads at the same time, we also need to state that these viral videos are giving us an inaccurate impression of anti-Asian hate.

For example, it turns out, according to a University of Maryland, College Park study, that most anti-Asian hate crimes are committed by white people, NOT Black people. Significantly so – more than three-quarters of offenders of anti-Asian hate crimes and incidents, from both before and during the pandemic, have been white.  

We want to have this conversation as part of our mixed-race Asian arc, focusing on what we believe should be a point of solidarity but has instead been misunderstood to be a divisive issue concerning Black and Asian Americans, with actual data as a reminder for all of us – that we need to train ourselves to pause when we see narratives that pit one historically marginalized group against another historically marginalized group, and ask ourselves if they’re true because they’re often serving simply as a distraction to change the conversation, to move it away from the “real” enemy - white supremacy.  Dismantling white supremacy is where all of us - Asians, Black folks, white folks, and more – need to keep our energy focused.

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When we’re asked to do anti-bias talks at corporations, we’re sometimes asked by the different ERGs if we’re comfortable talking about LGTBQIA+ issues - and we answer with our truth, which is that we are both cisgender, heterosexual women who use she/her pronouns. Nobody in our families is LGBTQIA+. So while the skill sets to tackle bias are related, we prefer to give the floor to folks who can speak from firsthand experience and knowledge.

Enter our incredible conversation partner today - Schuyler Bailar, who many of you may know as @pinkmantaray.  We’ve been following him on Instagram, and his new book He/She/They is now on our short list of Best Books to Recommend Ever due to its practical structure and the fact that it’s full of questions he’s received about being transgender.  Just like the videos and workshops and all the work that he does, it’s accessible, not shaming; it’s factual, personal and so very meaningful. And bonus - he fits right into our multiracial Asian arc, as a mixed-race Korean and white American!

Remember, your LGBTQIA+ friends are not here to educate you; this isn’t their job. Schuyler has chosen to take on this role, so listen to this episode, read the book, watch his informative factual social media videos and make sure you’re doing the work yourself to be a better, more understanding human being! 

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You heard us talking with Alex Chester-Iwata the other week on the show, who is third third-generation Japanese American and was the first family member in decades to visit Japan.  So, maybe like some of you listening, she has no direct experience with immigration – your family feels like it’s “always been here” in America.  

That experience that Alex has of being mixed Asian is really different than what Misasha and Sara grew up with, as daughters of Japanese immigrant parents - we grew up visiting our parents’ extended families in Japan and feeling kind of at home in a different country.  

It got us wondering… what IS the impact of immigration on the Asian American experience?  Can we explore how the psychological impact of immigration may be a missing part of the discussion when it comes to deconstructing common stereotypes that folks have here of Asians?  And how might that impact the mixed Asians in America today?

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Alex the Founder/CEO of Mixed Asian Media - A website and community for mixed APIs, recognized by the Nielsen Consumer Report on AAPIs. Alex received the 2023 Women of Distinction of Assembly 69th of California award and last year was one of the Asian Hustle Network’s top 50 Unsung Heros. Alex received her BA in 2021 from St. Mary’s College she graduated with honors and received the Dean’s Award for community engagement and academic excellence. Alex is a board member of ACE Next Gen's NYC Chapter and is on the Board of Directors for the American Advertising Federation LA. She is a community leader for the Lunar Collective and she is also part of the 2023 Jews of Color cohort The Workshop, she also serves on the advisory board of her alma mater St. Mary's LEAP Program, and is a member of Gold House and is part of their inaugural Journalism Accelerator Program

Alex is also an Actor. Some acting credits include Broadway’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Gillian in This Space Between Us Off Broadway’s Keen Company. TV credits include New Amsterdam, The Good Fight, and The Closer, to name a few. @AlexFChester @MixedAsianMedia

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Why is talking about the multiracial identity and deconstructing the misperception of the Asian monolith important and relevant to you listening, if you’re not multiracial? Several things.

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We do this work for our kids, and for ourselves.  And when we talk about this work, there are a lot of spheres we need to change to make this world better for said kids - including schools, kitchen tables, policing and the false idea of law & order, public services, government, and the workplace. And, to focus on workplaces for a second, we always talk about how when we discuss racism, we’re talking about the SYSTEMS that run our society – but we also make it really clear that systems are made up of people, and so if we don’t take the time to do some inner work, we won’t be making changes to the systems that’ll be meaningful and sustainable.  

That’s why we love this discussion we’re about to bring you, about reimagining inclusion in the workplace.  It was really a fantastic action-oriented book that lays out practical things that you can do in the workplace to help uproot systemic racism, literally things you can start doing differently TODAY.  And you know how much we love practical action-oriented things - it sort of reminded me of our own book’s listen/learn/act framework!

Plus, we are huge fans of Mita Mallick, who if you aren’t following on LinkedIn already, you should be.  So listen in, and if you like what you hear, go on and do two things - order the book Reimagine Inclusion, and then go tell someone at work about Mita’s work so you can bring her into your organization and deepen the change!

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They say never meet your heroes, but we’re so glad we got to meet two of ours, as they gave us the shot of hope at the end of our conversation that we all need, considering everything that’s happening around us currently. 

To be honest, we had been looking forward to this conversation ever since David Louie (Episode 212, if you want to go back and listen) made this introduction, and it was everything we had hoped it would be. Not only because Doug Jones and Bill Baxley are legal powerhouses, but also because they were just two men, doing what they believed to be right, because perhaps they were the only ones who could have fought this fight. 

And that - the power of one, standing in your beliefs and speaking up for those who cannot - is something we should all carry with us from this conversation.

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